I'm in Love...

We all are. Completely smitten by this sweet little baby boy. He completes our family in so many ways, and I can't believe that we are lucky enough to have him.

I was thinking back to last August when I started struggling with feelings of wanting another baby. When I was pregnant and so sick with Nathan I told myself that it was the last time. That I couldn't do that to my body or to my family any more. I treasured each little milestone with him, thinking that it would be my last chance to have a baby at each precious stage. I was so sad the last time I nursed him, even when I changed his last diaper. I thought I was okay with three kids. I didn't really have a choice, I had to be okay with three because how could I go through all that again? But then, the aching started. I told myself that I would just have to get over it because another pregnancy just wasn't possible.

This went on for months, and although I tried to busy myself with other things, reminding myself often of how grateful I was for the three sweeties I had been blessed with, the feeling kept gnawing at me. I wondered why it was so strong, and how long it could go on. I prayed for an answer, but nothing seemed clear.

About a week before Christmas I started feeling so tired. For a few days I figured I had just completely worn myself out with all of the busyness of the holidays. But then I got really tired, and I started to be suspicious. On a trip to Target I grabbed a "test"...actually the 2-pack because it was a better deal. :) I was shaking as I waited for the results, so afraid either way. My mind raced with what one or the other would mean. I could hardly bring myself to look, but when I did I was filled with instant relief. Negative. I wouldn't spend the next several months in bed, excruciatingly sick. Then the sadness...we wouldn't be getting a baby either.

After a few days I forgot about it in all the craziness of getting ready for our big Utah trip. By the time we got up there I was exhausted, I and spent the entire vacation trying to rest and recover from our busy month. Every day I grew more and more tired. We all got a little stomach bug the day after Christmas, and my stomach never quite felt the same after that. By New Year's Eve I was worried. I felt awful. There was really something wrong with me, and I needed to make an appointment with the doctor. The next day the thought occurred to me that I should try the other "test." Again, the shaking, the waiting, but this time the result was different. And then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I knew what this meant. Months in bed. Months of missing out on life. Months of being horribly sick. But it also meant that we were getting a baby. I knew in my heart that this was the answer I'd been seeking, and that this little baby was meant to come to our family. I was excited and terrified all at the same time.

The last eight months have been very hard. I knew it would be worth it, but I just didn't know how worth it until they laid this baby boy on my tummy just seconds after his birth. I cried again, so grateful for this last chance to have a baby in our home. He is amazingly sweet and so precious...straight from heaven. We are lucky to have you, Ryan. We love you. Thanks for coming to our family!